"I Have Already Settled It for Myself"
Publication day notes on what we can learn from a preschooler about making art
Dear reader,
I woke up to texts from my friends. “Happy Publication Day!” And, from friends who’ve published books themselves, messages like: “How’s pub week going?” “Just checking in to see how you’re feeling?” “Let me know if you need to vent.”
Perhaps publication week is like this for everyone, or perhaps my friends recognize that I’m particularly neurotic, but my predominant feeling is not excitement, or happiness, or pride. It’s anxiety, tinged with derealization. I know, intellectually, that so much horrible sh*t is going down in the world, but what I’m thinking about is that I have a book coming out today.
I feel like milk being scalded—all my ego, and narcissistic fantasies of acclaim, and equally narcissistic fantasies of public humiliation, are rising to the top. How does one skim oneself?
Georgia O’Keeffe said that she staged shows for herself before she displayed her art to the public: “I make up my own mind about it—how good or bad or indifferent it is. After that, the critics can write what they please. I have already settled it for myself, so flattery and criticism go down the same drain, and I am quite free.” How I long for that sort of freedom! I am not there yet, certainly. I am a reasonably successful academic, which means I have never been in the habit of settling things for myself. Criticism does not go down the drain.
My three-year-old, though, embodies the O’Keeffe spirit. She can be quite critical of her art as she makes it, frequently starting over, or exclaiming in frustration if she doesn’t like how it’s going. But if she is happy with a drawing, then nobody can tell her nothing. She gets herself a piece of tape from the dispenser and tacks the drawing up on the wall so she—and others, if they want—can look at it.
Lately, she has been longing to write. She can’t read; she can’t really sound out words. But she knows her letter shapes, so if I spell things for her, she will write and write and write. I previously wrote about how I want to be more like my 13-year-old. In this respect, I want to be more like my 3-year-old: Engrossed in making, quite free. She signs her name to everything, letters backwards, out of order, upside down. “Look, look, look, what I made!”
Look what I made: I wrote a book! It’s about sin and forgiveness, genes and environment, chance and choice, motherhood and daughterhood, punishment and accountability. I will sign it for you, and even write the letters in my name in order, if you purchase it from this local independent bookshop.
If you read my book, I would be very grateful if you took a picture of any passage you find interesting and posted it to any social media platform (“look!”), or wrote a review on Goodreads or the hegemonic retail site. As much as I would like to cultivate my soul’s freedom from flattery or criticism, feeding the engagement beast does make a genuine difference to whether the book can find its audience.
With gratitude for your support,
Paige
Upcoming Events
Virtual salon on “Rethinking Accountability in a Genetic Age” with Interintellect, tomorrow night, March 4 at 7 PM CT. A few public tickets are left!
In-person book talk at Harvard Book Store (Cambridge, MA) on March 19. Free!
Round-Up of Recorded Conversations
With Olga Khazan for the Me, But Better podcast
With Josh Szeps for the Uncomfortable Conversations podcast
With Andrew Huberman for the Huberman Lab podcast
With Chris Williamson for the Modern Wisdom podcast
With Dr. Aliza Pressman for the Raising Good Humans podcast
With Xavier Bonilla for the Converging Dialogues podcast
With Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel for the Love Factually podcast